Thursday, August 28, 2014

Corking is soooo 2008.

As with everything else in my life everything I do is at least 3 weeks late. In fact I'm so prone to tardiness that anyone who knows me will always time their arrival to meet at least 30 minutes late. This way they don't have to wait around for me to show up. 

The same thing goes for news. I'm always behind the times. So let's review some news, or as I'd like to call it: "olds".

Here's a picture of the police brutality that ensued:

Actually there wasn't any police brutality but it makes for a more interesting story if you really think about it...

Anyway, apparently this massive clitoris of cyclists was weaving its way through the streets of L.A. and "corking" intersections in order to keep all of its members together. For those who don't know what "corking" is, it's basically a few riders blocking traffic at intersections so that everyone else can roll through the crossing without getting stuck at a red light. It's a common practice with "Mass" bike riding events and one that even I find annoying. Here's a five minute video to show how happily motorists react to corking in jolly ol' London m8!

As someone who drives a lot and is always in a hurry (because I'm always late) sitting through a red light is already kind of irritating. Then the idea of still being stopped even after the light turns green would infuriate me, especially when it's because a group of cyclists happens to think they're bike ride is a freakin' parade (Parades also upset me - who the fuck are they all waving at?). So these ladies were observed by the LAPD while they were corking an intersection and they got a citation (actually only one of them did). So they got all upset about it and they want everyone else to think it's a big deal. They're claim is that they're introducing a bunch of noobs to cycling that are too scared to ride in traffic on their own so corking was necessary to keep everyone together blah, blah, blah. 

Well I have news for you; if you're planning a bike ride of more than 5 riders, you're guaranteed to have stragglers. Instead of corking the road there are other common sense alternatives that don't involve stopping traffic for no reason other than your bicycular enjoyment. Furthermore, even if you had a permit to cork, does stopping traffic and potentially pissing off drivers seem like a good way to promote cycling? To me it's almost the same as those idiotic Lucas Brunelle videos where he rides like an ass-hat in the most congested cities and grabs on to the wheel-wells of cars as they drive along the road. It gives anti-cyclists one more reason not to recognize cycling as a legitimate mode of transportation. 

Hello, I am a stupid ass-hat wearing a stupid-ass hat. - Lucas Brunelle (probably) said.

Anyway, to the ladies at Clitoral Mass who are wondering how to avoid receiving citations in the future, I've prepared a list of suggestions. Before writing them off as the ideas of an idiot (me) please know that I assembled a think tank of the greatest minds. It included this guy, that guy, some guy from my neighborhood and my best riding buddy. So you know this advice is SOLID.

1. Re-group: You've grouped once, and you can do it again! Simply wait for the slow-pokes to arrive at another point along the route. It could be another traffic junction, a Jack in the Box, or even a Taco Bell. It's even easier if you give everyone a route sheet at the start so they don't get lost. ("Excuse me sir, but did you happen to see a large bicycle clitoris pass by?")

2. Split the ride: That's right, separate the ride into a slow group and a fast group. Slow people will ride slower and fast people will ride faster. People will eventually fall into the group that's best suited to their abilities. Or they might just say: "Fuck it, I'm gonna have dinner by myself at this Taco Bell."

3. Stop inviting slow-pokes: Here's how:

"There's no easy way to say this Laura, but you're just too slow and I really hate having to wait around for you. Also, *Gina says you smell."  - DONE.

*Gina's a little biiiitch.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Climbing Is Fun - If You Want It.

If you live in Southern California and you consider yourself a true cyclist you need to ride up to Mt. Baldy at least once. It's arguably one of the most beautiful and most difficult climbs in SoCal and it's not too far from anywhere in LA or OC. 

Right now, as far as I know Glendora Mountain Road (GMR) and Glendora Ridge Road (GRR) are closed to automotive traffic. GMR and GRR are two of my favorite roads and without cars they're even better. I avoid riding down Mount Baldy Road mainly because it's just a straight shot into the mountain with too many cars and a pretty crappy shoulder in some parts. If you put the extra miles in to ride GMR and GRR you'll suffer, but you'll at least get amazing views in the meantime.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about then check out this link. Otherwise here are some pictures I took that weren't blurred by my hyperventilation and occasional vomiting as I dragged my fat carcass up this mountain: 

Narrow and winding, it sometimes feels like the road that never ends.

Proof that I'm not the only person that likes to climb.

The ribbon of road sits literally on the ridge of the mountain with steep drops on either side.
A ride from the base at the beginning of GMR to the top at the ski lifts at Mount Baldy will add up to 50-55 miles round-trip. I don't know of any water between the start of the ride and Mount Baldy Village so big bottles are a good idea. There also isn't much shade so don't be an idiot like me and show up at 1:00 in the afternoon. 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I Forgot to Bring My Ovaries, Can I Still Ride With You?

Right now I'm terribly angry.

Someone told a woman about how fun it was to put a bike between her legs. That woman told another woman and she told another...  Now we have quite the mess on our hands and there's no panty-liner big enough to soak up this disaster. Women have found their way to bike advocacy. Just as we were forced to share our right to vote with them, we'll soon be forced to share our love of bikes with them.  This is displeasing to say the least.

We don't have wieners!
They've called their bushy syndicate the "Ovarian Psycos" (sic.) and I don't know if I have a problem with their name more because they're so pressed to make sure you know they have ovaries OR if it's because they spelled psychos wrong. In either case, it's the equivalent of calling a men's bike club the "Testicular Nuhts" which sounds pretty dumb. Then again I am the writer of a blog named after a malfunction that occurs due to poor bicycle maintenance so what the hell do I know?

The Ovarian Psycos have organized a monthly ride called "Clitoral Mass," which I assume is how large a clitoris can get before it explodes?  As we already know, it's a rip-off of Critical Mass which is a bonafide and official bike organization. Frankly, I would have preferred to call their ride "CicLabia" but I have no say because I'm a dude. Also because I'm a dude, I'm unable to tell them that they have to experience this before anyone will take them seriously as a social bicycle advocacy group. It's widely known that your bike club is just a loose outfit of hoodlums until a member gets tackled by a cop on a video that eventually finds its way to local news. Anyway, before I get off topic I'd like to share a video they've put together as an invitation to anyone with a vagina to join in their monthly cycle cycling festivities.

So I guess I won't see you there, but if you see a poorly cross-dressed person trying to sell a Schwinn Circuit to other fellow Ovarian Psycos - it most definitely isn't me.