I Forgot to Bring My Ovaries, Can I Still Ride With You?

Right now I'm terribly angry.

Someone told a woman about how fun it was to put a bike between her legs. That woman told another woman and she told another...  Now we have quite the mess on our hands and there's no panty-liner big enough to soak up this disaster. Women have found their way to bike advocacy. Just as we were forced to share our right to vote with them, we'll soon be forced to share our love of bikes with them.  This is displeasing to say the least.

We don't have wieners!

They've called their bushy syndicate the "Ovarian Psycos" (sic.) and I don't know if I have a problem with their name more because they're so pressed to make sure you know they have ovaries OR if it's because they spelled psychos wrong. In either case, it's the equivalent of calling a men's bike club the "Testicular Nuhts" which sounds pretty dumb. Then again I am the writer of a blog named after a malfunction that occurs due to poor bicycle maintenance so what the hell do I know?

The Ovarian Psycos have organized a monthly ride called "Clitoral Mass," which I assume is how large a clitoris can get before it explodes?  As we already know, it's a rip-off of Critical Mass which is a bonafide and official bike organization. Frankly, I would have preferred to call their ride "CicLabia" but I have no say because I'm a dude. Also because I'm a dude, I'm unable to tell them that they have to experience this before anyone will take them seriously as a social bicycle advocacy group. It's widely known that your bike club is just a loose outfit of hoodlums until a member gets tackled by a cop on a video that eventually finds its way to local news. Anyway, before I get off topic I'd like to share a video they've put together as an invitation to anyone with a vagina to join in their monthly cycle cycling festivities.

So I guess I won't see you there, but if you see a poorly cross-dressed person trying to sell a Schwinn Circuit to other fellow Ovarian Psycos - it most definitely isn't me.

A Real Schwinn-er

Breaking News!

If you own a 1987 Schwinn Circuit you're better looking than someone without a 1988 Schwinn Circuit.

What? You don't have a 1987 Schwinn Circuit?

(Via bikecatalogs.org)

Well, great news! I have one and I'm going to sell it to you! For just $300 you can have this shiny piece of 80's steel perched between your legs. It's a 56 cm frame that's been very well cared-for.

The bike is largely original with a few exceptions, like the saddle and seatpost. The paint is 6/10 for the scratches and minor pitting on the chrome stays. Other than that it's a fully functioning bike with brand-new tires. Don't miss an opportunity to be better looking and possibly more sexually active* with this excellent bicycle. 

*Actual results may vary.

Sub-Equatorial Stupidity

I usually try to avoid hitting people with my car, like, I really try not to run people over. Which is why whenever I do hit people with my car I get really upset, because they mess up my car! I'm so glad Kimberley Davis feels the same way. During an interview after she mowed down a cyclist she made an heartfelt case for herself: 

“I just don’t care because I’ve already been through a lot of bullshit and my car is like pretty expensive and now I have to fix it,” ... “I’m kind of pissed off that the cyclist has hit the side of my car. I don’t agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist. I wasn’t on my phone when I hit the cyclist.”

Everyone looks at least "half attractive" in a grainy, cropped selfie.

Ugh it's just so upsetting when I have to clean off blood smears and fix dents on my "pretty expensive" car because someone to hit it with their body. Well Davis knows these hardships all too well. She also makes a great argument in support of texting on the road: 

"I don't agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist.  I wasn’t on my phone when I hit the cyclist." 

Which basically means that if she was texting she would have never hit the cyclist. DAMN! If only she'd been on her phone, some poor biker wouldn't have a fractured spine. Anyway she's really upset now, and rightfully so since her license has been suspended for 10 months. Ouch! That  hurts more than spending three months in the hospital! Well, best of luck to Ms. Davis. Maybe she'll try cycling during her lapse in license status?

Meanwhile, on the correct side of the world, someone has decided to map all of the bike crashes in Los Angeles in 2012.  Apparently there were 2,043 reported accidents in 2012.  That's over 5 bike accidents every day.  For a place the size of L.A. that's not too bad, but it's still pretty crappy. I was also surprised that Ventura Blvd. wasn't in the top 10 considering it's the road with the most assholes per mile. It's going to be interesting to see if there's any decrease in bicycle accidents over the years after the "Great Streets Program" is finally completed.

The Great Streets program actually covers some of the most accident prone streets in L.A. Starting with Van Nuys Boulevard, Figueroa Street, and Crenshaw Boulevard. Coincidentally these are all streets where I hardly feel safe even in my little pickup truck, riding a bike there can get even more sketchy. So I think it's OK to get a little excited when the Mayor of L.A. says:  

"[w]e'll saturate your street with services. We'll make your street accessible to pedestrians, wheelchairs, strollers and bicycles–not just cars. We'll create an environment where new neighborhood businesses can flourish. We'll pave the streets and make them green streets — clean and lush with plant life, local art, and people-focused plazas." (Via Streetsblog)

It's also worth noting that Mayor Garcetti will probably piss people off along the way. Improving streets doesn't always make everyone happy, especially when it means people might not have as much parking and protected bike lanes may lead to less lanes for cars. Which may lead many to question why people even need protected bike lanes. 

To which I'll respond with this:

This is why it's a good idea to have protected bike lanes.